Optimus Prime: Country Club Detective

Going through some files, found this script to an abandoned sketch show project for a theater company I was working for.

Here's the main theme/stage direction: it's one continuous bit, someone walks in with a MP Optimus Prime figure, says his two lines, and then remains silent and still while all the other castmembers take turns, as in the script, as if this were a film trailer or TV spot or something. It'd be live, with the announcer serving as the cuts for the 'commercial.' That's the action, each character coming up to the toy and interacting. The sketch is obviously a few minutes long. I don't know if it's worth going to all the trouble to perform this live. Doesn't matter, the sketch show never materialized.

I completely forgot about this. And for good reason. Oh, it was for "rejected shows." We made up shows that were being rejected.

OPTIMUS PRIME: Country Club Detective

CAST

The Major

The Colonel

Countess

Dale

Cynthia

Lucinda

Rupert

Optimus Prime

The bellhop

(a picture of a giant, fancy-lookin’ building is on the screen)

Annoucer off camera/stage:

Welcome to the Coronado, one of the ritziest hotels in San Francisco. A happenin’ place in the times of prohibition where the wealthy meet, greet and even cheat, if you know what I mean. A lot goes on here, behind closed doors and “do not disturbed” signs…

(a gunshot is heard)

ANNOUNCER

…Including MURDER.

(lights come on, there’s a crowd around a man on the floor. Most of the crowd is wearing really nice clothes. A man in a rumpled suit, Dale, is off to the side, holding a gun and looking confused.)

COUNTESS

The Major! He’s been SHOT!

DALE

I didn’t do it! I swear!

CYNTHIA

Dale, how could you!

ANNOUNCER

And when there’s a mystery that needs to be solved at the Coronado…

RUPERT

Cynthia, dear, it’s obvious that Dale killed your father, The Major. He’s clearly mad with jealousy, and wishes to prevent our marriage!

COUNTESS

Dale, if you know what’s good for Cynthia, you’ll stay away from her. You grew up lower class, and she expects a higher standard of living that you can’t afford to give her on your hotel cleaning salary. Also, you clearly murdered my husband.

DALE

You’ll see, I’ll prove you wrong! I’ll make my way through law school and defend myself of these charges!

THE COLONEL

Harumph! An open and shut case!

ANNOUNCER

…you can count on one man to solve that mystery…

(Optimus Prime shows up)

OPTIMUS PRIME

Suspects, ROLL OUT! I’ll solve this mystery! One shall stand…for trial! And none shall take the fall!

ANNOUNCER

Intrigue!

OPTIMUS PRIME

(to Colonel) So you’re saying that the Major was just about to hand over his business to his wife, and NOT his future son-in-law?

RUPERT

Why…that, that’s hearsay! He’s LYING!

ANNOUNCER

Suspense!

CYNTHIA

(holding a gun to Countess) I don’t care anymore! What good is living if father is dead and I can’t marry who I truly am in love with in the first place!

ANNOUNCER

Romance!

LUCINDA

(caressing Optimus Prime) What are you going to do? Take me in? In handcuffs? Is that your way…of playing…HARD…to get?

ANNOUNCER

Comedy!

BELLHOP

(stumbles in with a 2^nd gun) Hey, look what I found stashed in the deeds for the businesses! (trips and falls, fires guns and shoots and kills the Colonel) Whoops!

(Everyone, but Prime & the deceased, Colonel laughs)

ANNOUNCER

Tune in every week after “Murder, Megatron Wrote” for OPTIMUS PRIME, HOUSE DETECTIVE!