Megatron POV Tweets - Decepticon Warpath

I guess this is my first foray into "fanfic" beyond the silly pages. I had to move a few times in January, which is not something you want to do during a three month blizzard that was cleverly called "Chiberia." I was a houseguest for a few weeks at my friend's place and that was kind of harsh. I also didn't have a computer, all I had was my phone and to pass the time between looking at apartments (of which the pickings were slim in January, and hard to reach in this blizzard) I started tweeting "failedmegatronplans" and apparently I belted out a story, where Megatron fires Starscream and hires an Autobot to take over as his 2nd in command.

Anyway, I pulled up these tweets and cleaned them up a bit, including adding a few things to make a bizarre G1 episode where Megatron & co. change their tactics a bit. When I was tweeting them, I got a lot of really nice responses and everyone was having a good laugh. So thanks.
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#failedmegatronplan dressing up as ghosts to scare people away from the amusement park, which is on top of a gold mine.

#failedmegatronplan breaking into Watergate

#failedmegatronplan leaving Macguyver for dead in a 3M warehouse

#failedmegatronplan trying to coin #snopacalypse when now we're using #chiberia

#failedmegatronplan cancelling Community #sixseasonsandamovie

#failedmegatronplan saying "it's over prime" when Optimus & I see a local theater production, but really it's just intermission

#failedmegatronplan getting rid of my pirate outfit I wore ironically until the trend was over, and then Botcon.

#failedmegatronplan asking Starscream to do anything.

#failedmegatronplan friendship bracelets, but for Decepticons

#failedmegatronplan kidnapping Blaster, using him to hi-speed dub music from sounwave, return original cassette to music store for refund.

#failedmegatronplan explaining to everyone under 25 that hi-speed dubbing of tapes was an important feature in a boombox.

#failedmegatronplan cozying up to Nora Ephrom for lead role in Sleepless In Seattle. (I didn't get it.)

#failedmegatronplan IPO for DeceptiFacebook. it's really just a revamped College Club.

#failedmegatronplan ordering delivery, realizing we live on ocean floor. and when I call to cancel, delivery guy already left.

#failedmegatronplan asking Wiley Coyote where he gets all that stuff from, and if they deliver.

#failedmegatronplan try to make Mii without asking Thrust how to do it.

#failedmegatronplan kidnapping a female ninja robot, reprogramming it to attack Autobots. Shouldn't our own guys do that?

#failedmegatronplan getting permits for Constructicons to build death ray.

#failedmegatronplan trying to remember which one is Frenzy, which one is Rumble. Caring.

#failedmegatronplan waiting for Prime & Elita-1 to split up, swooping in and picking up the pieces. sigh.

#failedmegatronplan that time when I was going to tell Elita how I felt about her, & she stopped time & when it resumed she was gone.

#failedmegatronplan Telling Fracture she can do better than Skywarp.

#failedmegatronplan convincing Skywarp to stop asking Astrotrain for rides everywhere. Dude, you teleport. Astrotrain has other work to do.

#failedmegatronplan handing stolen & easily breakable artifacts needed for death ray to Ramj-GODDAMMIT RAMJET CAN'T YOU NOT BREAK SOMETHING?

#failedmegatronplan trying to get through a day without hurting Ramjet's feelings, apparently.

#failedmegatronplan Kremzeek. wait, they were still chasing Kremzeek at the end of that ep. shoulda drained the sun of its energy then.

#failedmegatronplan kidnapping Spike's dad. brainwashed or not, that guy has terrible b.o.

#goodmegatronplan remind Carly she's an MIT student, she leaves Spike for Chip, Spike is heartbroken,quits Autobots, they lose focus, we win!

#failedmegatronplan ugh where's a pen when I need it?

#failedmegatronplan create plan to sneak into power plant, find out that Slugfest created an eVite & invited Autobots

#failedmegatronplan Soundwave transforms into cassette player in hopes power plant worker finds & takes him inside. Now they'll just throw him out.

#failedmegatronplan Counterpunch looks a lot like that Autobot Punch from the back.

#failedmegatronplan remember when Dirge, Starscream, & Rumble were sent to medieval England? Shoulda blown up the portal before they came back.

#failedmegatronplan why do I even keep Starscream around? Thundercracker doesn't 2nd guess me. Tomorrow I'm promoting Thundercracker. (1/2)

#failedmegatronplan (2/2) I need to write that down. That pen. anyone? Nevermind, I'll remember it I'm sure.

#failedmegatronplan offering an Autobot the #2 Decepticon job would be better than having Starscream around. Get me Warpath's resume.

#failedmegatronplan Starscream, what did you do in medieval England? "I kidnapped a princess & held her ransom for the kingdom." (1/2)

#failedmegatronplan (2/2) You couldn't just beat the humans? You're a robot. They joust. Just crush them & alter political power through time.

#goodmegatronplan apparently we live for several million years. We should just outlive humanity and then take over. Patience.

#failedmegatronplan called Warpath. Interview him tomorrow. Will let you know how it goes.

COMMERCIAL BREAK - The Transformers will return after these messages. #failedmegatronplan interview with Warpath went well. Kind of a peacenik for a guy who's a tank but what do you expect from an Autobot? 1/2

#failedmegatronplan  Asked that I not contact his current employer as a reference. Thought he meant Prime. He meant Hardee's.

#failedmegatronplan still, seemed like a good guy. Soundwave thought his answers reflected a real problem solver. Also, not Starscream.

#failedmegatronplan Frenzy sent him an email, 2nd interview scheduled.

#failedmegatronplan job offered, accepted. Warpath gave his 2 weeks notice. Prime was cool about it, Hardees manager screamed, swore, fired him.

#failedmegatronplan Everyone, meet my new 2nd in command, Warpath! Oh, Starscream, you're fired.

#goodmegatronplan Waited 4,000,030 years to say that.

DA DA DA, DA! #decepticonwarpath 1st project, death ray to drain energy from sun. Already Warpath is telling me it's a bad idea.

#decepticonwarpath Tells me sun PROVIDES energy, we don't need to drain it. What? Ordered Constructicons to build solar panel tower.

#decepticonwarpath we don't have to steal solar panels apparently. Warpath suggests "line of credit." They do that on Earth? What?

#decepticonwarpath So, not stealing. Legally stealing energy from sun, no risk of blowing it up. Excess energy sold to locals. Feel WEIRD.

#decepticonwarpath by now Starscream would've said "this plan won't work." He never told me WHY. Other than the Wham Blams, this is going ok.

#decepticonwarpath not sure if Warpath's prior relationship keeps Autobots from bugging us. Not a PEEP from Prime & I'm showering in Energon

#decepticonwarpath mention aligning ourselves with mean bully who wants to be Mayor. Warpath suggests befriending ACTUAL Mayor.

DA DA DAAAA, DA! #decepticonwarpath Calls made. Actual mayor willing to meet us. at 1st hesitant. He mentioned powering city with our stolen sun rays. ???

#decepticonwarpath maybe the sun is out of the mayor's jurisdiction, and he looks the other way. Warpath has CONNECTIONS. We've been doing this wrong.

#decepticonwarpath Still no word from Autobots. Warpath told Dirge stop listening to police scanner. How will we know if they're on to us?!?

#decepticonwarpath oh crap city sent officials! RETREAT! WARPATH, TOPPLE THE SOLAR TOWER ON THESE BUREAUCRATS! YOU'VE WON THIS TIME PRIME!

#decepticonwarpath Wait, Warpath is talking to city official. Now he has Scrapper with him. Decepticons, hold tight. PREPARE TO ATTACK!

DA DA DA, DA! #decepticonwarpath in triplicate? you mean Blitzwing? Astrotrain?

#decepticonwarpath a little embarrassed. I almost TF'd that guy in the A, if you know what I mean. I mean turning into a gun and killing him.

#decepticonwarpath I guess we needed that permit for the solar ray stealing machine. I thought we were in trouble but it's 25 bucks.

#decepticonwarpath Ratbat, I don't know what a "tax deduction" is but it's nothing to get excited about.

#decepticonwarpath I guess he WHAM BLAMMED us out of that one. More solar power. MORE ENERGON! THE MAYOR WILL CALL US MASTER!

DA DA DAAAAA, DA! #decepticonwarpath We caught Bumblebee & Spike snooping around. They're on to us. Was gonna alter memories, have BBee lead Prime into trap.

#decepticonwarpath Warpath intervened, told them they were trespassing, threatened to call the cops. Something about harassment.

#decepticonwarpath I mean that Spike kid annoys me but we don't have to bring the cops into this, do we? What if the cops snoop around?

#decepticonwarpath Soundwave tells me that's not how our solar ray works. & it's not a ray & nothing is stolen. I'm so confused.

#decepticonwarpath I said we should look for more sources of Energon and Warpath said BLAM YOU'RE THE BOSS ZOWEE. So confused. (wanna cry)

#decepticonwarpath took Warpath out to lunch for a job well done. Faux pas! it was Hardees. AWKWARD! STARSCREAM WORKS THERE NOW.

We will return to the Transformers after these messages.

#decepticonwarpath would totally promote him but then he would be THE LEADER - OMG MIND BLOWN

#decepticonwarpath fishing Warpath for Autobot secrets. for a loud guy he's pretty quiet. All I got is that Teletraan 1 is full of malware.

#decepticonwarpath management skills are good. never saw Dirge work so hard. ... I never saw Dirge work.

DA DA DAAA, DA! #decepticonwarpath ah jeez, Subatlanteans hailing us. This is why living under sea sucks. That and Mixmaster has the bends.

#decepticonwarpath Subatlantean king suggests teaming up, overthrowing humans. Then tells his cronies to prepare to stab us in the back.

#decepticonwarpath We can translate you, Subatlantean king. This is why no one came to your bbq. That & you're underwater.

#decepticonwarpath Warpath & Blitzwing are talking to the Subatlanteans now. I sure hope they can understand Wham Blams and nonsense. #decepticonwarpath The Wham Blams are from Warpath, of course. The nonsense? Blitzwing.

#decepticonwarpath HOLY CRAP they turned into tanks and blew up the Subatlanteans!

#decepticonwarpath whatdowedowhatdowedowhatdowedo oh no no no did anyone see that? Shoot, what if that Spike kid is around & calls the cops?

DA DA DA, DA! #decepticonwarpath Warpath! You think I need the heat on me with all this stolen sun energy?!?

#decepticonwarpath phone is ringing! Is it the Mayor? Oh no we're screwed. #decepticonwarpath Soundwave, I don't wanna talk to the President, the Mayor might be calling...

#decepticonwarpath Um, hello Mr. President. Yes. Yes Mr. President. Yeah, I know the Subatlanteans were a terrorist group. But listen...

#decepticonwarpath Uh huh. Yes, Mr. President. Well, I guess we could just invoice you. Yeah their underwater base is up for grabs, why?

#decepticonwarpath Oh, yeah, enemies against America & the rest of the world. Sure, that must have been difficult for you. Glad to help. #decepticonwarpath No, uh, I haven't seen the evil band of transforming robots that worked with them before, but we'll keep an eye out.

#decepticonwarpath (you can stop giving me the thumbs up, Warpath) No Mr. President, I wasn't talking to you. Sorry, you were saying?

#decepticonwarpath Well we have a deal with the mayor so if you want us to do anything, you might have to call him. #decepticonwarpath Oh, just call YOU back? So chain of command is People, Mayor, you?

#decepticonwarpath Listen while you're on the phone, do you have jurisdiction over the sun? Yeah, the big yellow thing in the sky. #decepticonwarpath Okay, I mean if you think that's funny. Who DOES have juris-you know what, nevermind.

#decepticonwarpath Well, thank you, Mr. President. We were happy to help stop those awful Subatlanteans and their awkward bbq parties.

DA DA DAAAA, DA. #decepticonwarpath Dodged a bullet there. Also we have a contract to defend the country against the already dead Subatlanteans.

#decepticonwarpath I know someone who is getting a raise.

#decepticonwarpath No Ramjet, not you.

DA DA DAAAA, DA. #decepticonwarpath being hailed by Prime. he's on to us with our stolen sun energy. no, he wants Warpath back! slag!

#decepticonwarpath Prime says to leave Spike alone. Spike? I haven't kidnapped him in, like, a week.

#decepticonwarpath What? I didn't serve him with papers to cease & desist harassment...oh, Warpath. duh.

#decepticonwarpath He can't afford court fees? Fine I'll drop charges if he promises to leave us alone. Yes, I know about his rough homelife.

#decepticonwarpath why do you think I tried to brainwash his dad that one time? I thought I was doing him a favor, Prime.

#decepticonwarpath ok Prime. well give my love to Elita- I mean, we should dinner sometime. Yeah. See ya. I will crush you etc etc bye.

#decepticonwarpath (megatron hangs up phone, thinks for a minute) #decepticonwarpath DECEPTICON MEETING! NOW! #decepticonwarpath okay, everyone, remember when I had the Heart Of Cybertron & we got super drunk on Energon?

#decepticonwarpath company outing, middle of the desert, grab all the energon cubes you can. We're not coming back until Monday. CREDITS